letters to 27 lessons
on saturday, i turn 27. here are 27 things i’ve learned so far.
don’t take things personally. remind yourself this every day, if not two or five times a day. and then remind yourself again.
if you have to fawn/mask/ or otherwise change yourself for someone else, then it isn’t a relationship you need to keep. you have this one life to live, don’t spend it trying to force yourself to be someone or something you’re not.
not everyone needs to like you. and if you try to please everyone, no one will ever truly know you - and therefore never truly be able to love you.
you don’t need to drink to dance or have fun or be silly or be free or be yourself.
your money is a vote - spend it on art, local or small businesses, and ethical companies when possible.
don’t take yourself so seriously. audiobooks count as reading, watching TV doesn’t make you less smart, and buying organic foods doesn’t make you better than anyone else. your salary doesn’t measure how good you are. the early you wake up doesn’t determine the worthiness of your day. your brand name workout clothes don’t mean you got a better workout. a college degree doesn’t indicate your intelligence. you’re no more or less healed than anyone else. stop competing over things that literally don’t matter.
your values and integrity are everything. this is the one thing to try and be serious about. don’t worry yourself over being liked or being good, concern yourself with being moral and acting ethically. if you want to get clear on your values, try out the brené brown list of values and narrow your list down to 1-5 values. when you have to make decisions throughout your day, ask if it aligns with your value(s).
sometimes other people don’t want your help. sometimes they don’t even need it, even though you feel like they do.
what’s right for you is not right for everyone. assume everyone is doing what is right for them. your opinion of their actions is irrelevant.
everyone is doing the best they can.
and their best doesn’t have to be enough for you. their 100% may only be your 30% and that doesn’t mean it’s not their 100%.
being nice is not the same thing as being kind. being nice is not bad - we need politeness and agreeableness at times! but being nice is not being kind. galinda was nice. elphaba was kind. elphaba benefitted from galina’s tact and manners and galinda benefitted from elphaba’s adherence to doing the right thing.
you never “manifested" your pain, trauma, or struggles. do not spiritually victim blame yourself. bad things happen. you didn’t cause it.
be weary of anyone who claims to have all the answers. just because someone has published a book, charges money, or speaks on stages, does not mean they have all the answers. in fact, anyone who claims to have all the answers probably needs more self-reflection. influencers are being paid to recommend products to you. trend cycles are created by capitalism. when something is free, you are the product. when someone is selling you a product, don’t believe them when they say you need it. don’t let pastors tell you what to do and follow them blindly. don’t believe me, or any of the other 26 things, for that matter. what do i know?
no one is above accountability, self-reflection, or being open to other perspectives. outside of extreme circumstances like abuse or neglect, there is never one side. there is hardly ever right or wrong, good or bad. you shouldn’t dwell in shame and blame and guilt, but if you feel like you’re never “in the wrong”… think again.
kindness and joy are infectious. and so is anger. pick which one you want to pass on. you can choose to be bothered by the constant mundane annoyances of life, or you can choose to shrug it off. they will happen either way. you can get mad at a car for cutting you off in traffic and flip them off and spend thirty minutes fuming in your car, or you can let it go. you can be mad that you’re in traffic to begin with, or you can use it as a chance to play your favorite radio station or call a loved one.
the energy you give out comes back to you. not in the spiritual victim-blaming sense, but if you extend kindness, compassion, cheerfulness, politeness, and see the good in the world and in people, you’ll notice how it’s being given back to you. toxic positivity doesn’t help anyone, but neither does toxic negativity. there’s just as much beauty, love, and sweetness in humanity than there is the bad. you can pick which one you grow.
community is important. community is hard. and it’s needed. it isn’t always convenient. acts of service are not easy. there’s usually better things to do that day than to help your friend move, or to drop off dinner at your aunt’s house, or to help your elderly neighbor pick up their weeds. people in our community aren’t perfect and might get on your nerves. having in-laws staying at your house isn’t always pleasurable. it’s easier and faster to use self-checkout lanes instead of asking a cashier how they are doing. it’s quicker to pretend to be on a phone call when your neighbor is outside instead of chit-chatting for 10 minutes. it’s time-consuming to check in on people. it’s awkward to hang out with a new person for the first few times. it’s uncomfortable to ask for what we need from someone. but at the end of the day, creating and maintaining a village and everyday connections in an individualistic and isolated world is never something you’ll regret.
don’t fall for therapy-speak you learned on instagram. not everyone is a narcissist. not every challenging person is toxic. we shouldn’t always prioritize protecting our peace. rigid boundaries that others have to maintain are not true boundaries, they are rules. true boundaries are to guide yourself, not enforce expectations. don’t girl boss your way out of living. also, just go to actual therapy.
stop bragging about being an empath. just don’t. empathy is a human emotion, not a supergift or a curse.
your gut feeling or instinct about someone is usually right. even when you ignore it. there are people who i got a bad feeling about right away, and i ignored it, thinking i was being judgmental. if you sense a red flag in your first few interactions, that red flag doesn’t tend to get smaller. it gets bigger. discernment is not judgment.
sexuality and our bodies are not sins. someone else’s interpretation of a book that’s been edited and altered and transcribed and updated and translated and changed over and over again doesn’t mean you’re going to hell.
think critically. do you need that new product or are you just being influenced? is homosexuality a sin, or did some religious white guy just tell you that? should we all really hate amber heard or is there a highly paid and professionally planned social media smear campaign telling you to? nothing on social media is real. most everything is driven by consumerism or patriarchy or white supremacy, or all of the above.
everything has nuance. it’s annoying but true. you can hold more than one emotion at once. you can be grateful and hurt. you can be conflicted. you can kind of agree but also kind of disagree with mot things. no one “wins” a breakup (in normal circumstances). no one is always “in the right” (in normal circumstances). we are capable of holding more than one thing at a time.
don’t be passive-aggressive and don’t accommodate passive aggression from others. just say it. or shut up. don’t hint. and don’t appease hinters. my favorite podcast, just break up, says to practice being “cheerful and stupid” in the face of things like that.
go analog more often. write down your to-do list. keep a notebook with you instead of a notes app. take photos on a camera every now and then. use an alarm clock. buy a magazine instead of scrolling through articles. cut up said magazines and make a real collage instead of just on pinterest (pinterest, if you’re reading this, i still love you). send a letter. put your phone in your bag instead of face up next to you when you’re at coffee with someone. meet up to take a walk instead of sending voice memos. flip through a cookbook instead of tiktok. scroll through the aisles of the grocery store and smile at people vs always doing pick-up orders. make a scrapbook with printed photos instead of posting them to instagram. do research, even on the internet, instead of using an AI water-guzzling robot to tell you what to think. go to the library instead of ordering on amazon. go to a book club in real life, not just scroll through the comments on Goodreads (or Storygraph, my new review spot).
you’ll literally never be Healed. being capital h Healed is made up. so stop trying to reach an end goal that doesn’t exist.
if you want to give me a birthday gift, consider either subscribing for my substack, or sharing my substack with a friend. <3
and, if you wanted to buy my anthology collection, i wouldn’t say no! ;)
ugh this is SUCH a good list!! against the lyric "I get older but just never wiser" you seem to just get wiser my dearest Sam <3