letters to mothering ourselves
how to reparent yourself ✨
Whether Mother’s Day is easy, exciting, challenging, complicated, sad, happy, or just neutral for you, we also deserve to celebrate the mothering we give to ourselves. Even someone with the most mature and available mother still parents themselves.
So, what does “re-mothering” mean? “At its core, reparenting addresses how childhood experiences, especially those involving neglect or abuse, shape our mental and emotional well-being. This approach involves reprogramming the subconscious mind to foster healthier thought patterns and behaviors,” says Julia Schwab, LMFT.
letters to grieving on mother's day
Mother’s Day has always been hard for me, whether I was talking to my mother or not. I hated seeing the cards at the grocery stores about moms being someone’s best friend. My mom was never my best friend (although maybe she was my frenemy at times?). When I would buy her a card, I would look for the ones that were nice, but didn’t have overt lies on the…
I am going to share the things I do to mother myself. I don’t know if I like the term “reparenting.” I think I like just “parenting” myself. I’m not necessarily undoing anything — not all the parenting I received was “bad,” and I can’t really undo any of it, either. You can also choose to call this your higher self, your Self (IFS), your wise mind (DBT), or whatever you feel comfortable with. Bethany Webster calls this process healing the mother wound.
I am no expert, and I am in no way perfect or even probably “good” at any of this — this is just what has helped me.
“Ultimately, healing the Mother Wound is not about our mothers. It’s about women embracing ourselves and our gifts without shame. It’s about expanding our capacity for holding and transforming emotional pain into consciousness. It’s about restoring an ancient imbalance created by patriarchy.”
― Bethany Webster, Discovering the Inner Mother: A Guide to Healing the Mother Wound and Claiming Your Personal Power
When I first started working on this in 2020, I made a wall with images of women I admired who were going to be my imaginary moms.
Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies by Tara Schuster was my best friend. My friend recommended it to me and said it was the best self-help book she ever read. I have probably listened to this book at least five times. She talked about quitting marijuana, cutting back on drinking, the basics of being healthy, values, morals, gratitude, journaling, and how to treat yourself well. I think this is probably where I learned the concept of romanticizing life for the first time. Read how she describes getting ready: “Getting ready like Cleopatra, doing one nice thing a day for yourself, taking baths, learning/tricking yourself to be comfortable in your body, collecting amulets, having a physical space to take yourself seriously, keeping your home as nice as you would for guests, nourishing yourself with food, avoiding substances that make you feel bad, seeking medical help if you need it—these are all ways we build the faith that we can lead the lives we want to lead, lives we are proud of, lives full of delight.” I highly recommend this book! It’s not written by an expert, but in a sense it is! Tara was just a young woman who was crashing out, as the kids say (I’m actually not sure how exactly to use this phrase?), and had a rock bottom moment in her early twenties and realized she needed to get her shit together.
“Life is not always a list of problems to be solved; sometimes it’s actually made up of fun and ease and beauty and laughter.”
― Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies: And Other Rituals to Fix Your Life, from Someone Who's Been There
Tara also wrote about identifying someone who is your ideal self. I just realized that
has Substack (yay, more articles to read!) (as if I didn’t have enough, lol), and she wrote about this again in her article, Three Reasons You Need a “Future You”.
“My Future Me has always been Anjelica Huston on a cloud—flowing linen, radiant skin, piles of necklaces, calmly sipping tea while solving life's riddles. I call on her for guidance with tough decisions or when someone tests my patience. She's my north star, whispering, "Breathe, darling, breathe. You've got this." Using FUTURE ME ANJELICA HOUSTON is infinitely more fun than self-criticism!”
I decided that my Future Self was Juno Temple / Keeley from Ted Lasso.
She is powerful, sweet, silly, loving, understanding, fierce, focused, and I just adore her. She’s also a bisexual iconnnn. She’s also not afraid to embrace her high femmey style, because it’s what she likes.
I still do this, too. In my article, letters to being kind vs nice, I talked about my admiration for Chappell, Elphaba, Paige Desorbo, Charlie xcx, and other kind bitches. I also wrote an article dedicated to Litia from The Bachelor. I’ve been using Tara’s method of learning from these women and have been making a new pinterest board.
This was also something that
recommended in her book, but get clear on your values. I wrote more about this in my article letters to authenticity vs integrity.Be a little strict with yourself. A good mom makes her daughter drink water, eat enough food, eat her veggies, take a shower or bath, and go to sleep on time. As much as it sucks and feels lame, you’ll be surprised what this little bit (or lot of bit) of discipline will do for you. If you wouldn’t neglect the basic needs of a child (and I sure hope you wouldn’t), then why would you neglect your own?!
Protect yourself like you would your own child. Would you make your daughter see someone that makes her deeply uncomfortable, or even is hurtful or unsafe? So, why are you putting yourself in that situation? When it can be avoided, prove it to your inner child that you can keep yourself safe. The more you prove it to yourself that you are a safe adult who will take care of you, the more self-trust you’ll have.
Another mundane one: make your health appointments. Go to the dentist, check your breasts every month, go to the gynecologist, get your check-up, get your flu shot, etc.
“The best metaphor I’ve found for life beyond the Mother Wound is surfing. I first started surfing with a group of friends when I was seventeen. I spent the entire summer without even standing up on the board, but instead learning to read the waves, developing my upper body strength, learning the timing of how to identify which waves to catch and which waves to let pass me by. In the beginning, the waves pummeled me and took me down, sometimes scraping my face against the bottom of the sea; sometimes the board would pop up and hit me in the head. But I kept going. Over time, I learned how to anticipate the waves, harness the forward movement, leap up at the right moment, and surf upon them with exhilaration instead of being overpowered and threatened by them. This is the process of healing the Mother Wound: to learn to ride the waves of healing, to harness them, to allow them to move you forward, to learn how to steer their power, to welcome them.”
― Bethany Webster, Discovering the Inner Mother: A Guide to Healing the Mother Wound and Claiming Your Personal Power
Make your life beautiful. Light candles, throw a background of a fireplace on your TV, hang up string lights, and of course, buy yourself the fucking flowers at Trader Joe’s! Seriously, their mini bouquets are only $4. For advice on how to romanticize your May, read my article here. I also loooove
’s articles on how to romanticize life.Take yourself on play dates! Or artist dates, if we’re thinking of The Artist’s Way. Go to the Botanical Gardens, a new park, a picnic, an art museum, live music, a café, a bookstore, a pottery class, out dancing, to the farmer’s market, or a beautiful hike. Invite friends over for face masks and a rom-com. Or invite friends over for a dress-up party.
Develop hobbies. Start a puzzle, paint just for fun, not to be talented, make jewelry, take photos on your phone, go to Barnes and Noble and buy a magazine, learn how to crochet, scrapbook, color in an adult coloring book… the possibilities are endless! Re-parenting yourself is about feeling the feelings, yes, but it’s also about having fun and joy, too!
Have some childhood favorites around — a stuffed animal (I really like the Wild Republic stuffed animals. I have an African Painted Dog from them/the zoo that I have named Coco, and once I gave my best friend a Wolf to accompany her copy of Women Who Run With the Wolves. I write with glitter pens and colored markers almost exclusively. I have butterfly claw clips. I have a bucket of Play Doh that I take out when I have people over or when I meet up with them at a park. It always makes people smile when I take them out. I’ve been going to a Unitarian Universalist church, and during one service, the cutest little girl meandered through the church giving everyone pipe cleaners, and I watched as the adults played with their pipe cleaners during the service.
Develop some kind of reflection and regulation practice. Therapy, coaching, yoga, meditation, workbooks, journaling, support groups, an accountability friend, whatever suits your needs best! We are all running around with really dysregulated nervous systems and emotional reactions waiting to burst out. And honestly, it isn’t looking like it’s gonna get all that much better in the world. We all need to incorporate regular, intentional time to commit to knowing ourselves and being the version of ourselves that we long for.
I would love to hear from you all! What do you to mother yourselves?
More Resources
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents By Lindsay C. Gibson (LIFE CHANGING)
This podcast interview about the book from my fave podcast.
The podcast above (Just Break Up) in general. I have learned more about relationships from them than I have ten years of therapy.
The DBT Deck for Clients and Therapists: 101 Mindful Practices to Manage Distress, Regulate Emotions & Build Better Relationships — I like to pull a card like an oracle card and work on the skill.
Needy: How to Advocate for Your Needs and Claim Your Sovereignty Hardcover by Mara Glaztel
Quit Like a Woman: The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Culture Obsessed with Alcohol by Holly Whitaker
Good Inside: A Practical Guide to Resilient Parenting Prioritizing Connection Over Correction by Dr. Becky — this is really nice for re-parenting!
Make Your Damn Bed by Julie Merica
XO Higher Self by Bunny Michael
iWeigh with Jameela Jamil
Affirmation Pod by Josie Ong (sooo sooooothing)
