letters from: I don't know if I believe in God

Heart-centered advice on how to explore your spirituality.

As I collect questions from the community, I’m going to answer another r/advice post from Reddit. (By the way, submit your questions! You can do so here.)

The OP (who I will keep anonymous) said,

So all my life I’ve been an atheist. I was raised by atheist parents and I’ve never thought too hard about religion. Recently though I’ve been having a bit of a crisis; I’ve been thinking and have been starting to develop a belief in a God, or at least a higher power of some sort. I’m kind of unsure what to do and it’s making me spiral. Any advice?

Wow, what a beautiful question. I think this question is a common one, whether it’s what the letter writer describes and centers around “Do I believe in God now after not believing in God?” or something else, such as questioning an already existing belief in God, or gods, or any other form of belief. Even those who are the most devout and faithful to their beliefs have questioned their path.

So, why does it scare us so much?

Values vs. Beliefs

I have been reflecting recently on the difference between beliefs and values - something that was prompted by the recent election. In my eyes, values are what drive us and make us who we are. It’s the backbone of integrity and the spine of our decisions. Beliefs are how we interpret the world around us (and our internal world). Values, to me, are like the coffee beans, and beliefs are the coffee filter.

In the case of the election, it is easy for me to assume that because someone has different beliefs than I do, they must have different values than I do. Let me pause and say that values are very important to me - if I feel that someone in my life, or a potential addition to my life, is not aligned with my core values, I limit my involvement with them as much as I can. I used to do that with beliefs as well.

To be clear, some beliefs are non-negotiable for me, like being anti-LGBTQ, racist, sexist, xenophobic, etc. But really, this goes back to values, not so much beliefs. The core of those beliefs comes from values that are the opposite of mine.

Take Christianity, one of the more popular religions in my area. Let’s take two hypothetical Christians, who both believe in the Christian creation story, the Christian God, the story of Jesus, etc. They have many shared beliefs.

Person 1 gossips before church starts. They are very involved in the community, and they usually know what is happening with most everyone else - and they share what they know with others. They judge the people they speak of and look down upon their decisions. They believe they are carrying out discernment and know what is best for others. Perhaps they are nosy and give unsolicited advice in the form of “being nice,” but really they are crossing other’s boundaries. Their values might include: order, feeling important, hierarchy, security, being included, reputation, pride, perfection, and purity.

Person 2 also goes to church every Sunday, and they often ask the person sitting next to them how they are doing, and then listen to their answer. When they are in a group that starts discussing the actions of someone who isn’t present, they either change the subject or might even offer another perspective. They speak highly of those they care about and simply choose not to engage or discuss those they don’t. Service might be important to them, but they don’t use it as an opportunity to leverage themselves as better than others. They encounter people in their personal lives who don’t share the same beliefs, but as long as they are aligned people, it doesn’t matter to them. They believe in freedom of choice and don't find it up to them to judge the decisions others make. Their values might include: compassion, open-mindedness, kindness, service, community, and respect.

I think many of us who are not on a spiritual path is often because of the People 1 we have encountered. In his book, Love Wins, Rob Bell says, “We don’t always represent the God we claim to believe in. But that’s not the God we need to worry about.” In the same book, Bell says, “Too often the church has been a part of the problem, and the gospel has been twisted into a system of us and them, a system that fosters division rather than reconciliation.”

To be clear, I don’t identify as a Christian (this isn’t me pushing Christianity, or any religion), but I have found that healing my relationship with the core of Christianity to be very helpful to my spiritual journey. I love the work of Rob Bell, who speaks less of how to adhere to rules and regulations, and more about the God that the original Jesus told people about. I also adored Mary Magdalene Revealed, written by a feminist theologian, which explores the Gospel of Mary and explains the life of Jesus from a perspective we don’t often hear. Small steps have also included being around safe Christians who really do embody the values that I personally think Jesus had (one of you subscribes to my Substack, I hope you know who you are, and I love you so very much).

All of this to say, sometimes the thing we need to do before we examine our beliefs is to get in touch with our values.

Labels

When I started my intentional spiritual journey in 2020, I initially placed a lot of pressure on myself to figure out what kind of spiritual person I was. Was I a Christian, or a Buddhist, or a Pagan? I researched polytheism and other gods. I looked into the Bahá'í faith (Justin Baldoni seemed to have values that aligned with mine, so I thought that was good enough for me) and I tried to find a Wiccan temple. I needed to figure out my label as fast as possible.

This didn’t help me pick my label, but it did help me learn a lot about a lot of different beliefs. It can be very exciting to see how many belief structures overlap with others. It is also very eye-opening to learn the history of holidays that were stolen from other beliefs to convert masses of people. (That could be a whole separate post.)

However helpful my research phase was, the pressure I placed on myself to have a label did not help my journey to figure out what I believed. More so, what is the fun in that? It seems like a core part of the human experience is to ponder the meaning of life and speculate on the afterlife, where we all came from, what makes us us, and how to explain the things that seem unexplainable.

Your Truth

If uncovering what you believe is a core part of the human experience, why rush it?

If we have our whole lifetime, however long that will be, ahead of us, why would we want to figure it all out right now?

If there is indeed one God or higher power, we were placed on Earth without answers to all of these big questions. If there actually is a God, maybe the idea that we don’t know it all is part of the point.

If you solved an escape room that you paid for an hour’s use of, and then you solved it in five minutes, wouldn’t you feel a bit disappointed that you cut your experience short?

To quote Bell yet again, "It’s not about getting the right answers. It’s about living the right life." No one will ever have THE right answer to any of this. There is no one person who knows the right answer, regardless of position, role, title, or experience. Many have the right answers for themselves! But no human has the answers to any of this.

What will most likely happen along your journey of discovery is that in your research or conversations with others, you will hear or read something that resonates with that little part of you as truth.

Have you ever heard something, about anything, that just felt true when you heard it? Or learned something that made you go “Ohhhh, that makes so much sense.” It doesn’t have to be spiritual, either!

Here are some things that I know to be true for me that I believe in:

• I believe in the magic and wonder of trees; trees can communicate, trees can feel love, trees will help other trees around them, and trees need to be around others to survive.

• I believe in the miracle of stars. How is it that we get to live in an existence underneath a mural of lights?

• I believe in the changing of seasons, and that every being on the earth changes seasons, too. I believe in the withering and wilting of fall and winter, and the bloom and blossom of spring and summer.

• I believe that you can accomplish a lot more with a smile than with a raised voice.

• I believe in the science behind the co-regulating power of a hug from a safe person.

• I believe that any form of love should be celebrated and accepted, regardless of the amount of partners or their gender.

• I believe in the soul-nourishing love of friendship.

• I believe in miracles that leave us wondering if a guardian angel helped us.

• I believe in sunrises and sunsets.

• I believe in the feeling of standing on the shore with my feet in the sand, watching the waves.

• I believe in the way pine needles crunch under shoes.

• I believe that my heart expands when I practice gratitude.

• I believe that every person deserves the same amount of rights as any other person.

• I believe that my intentions make a difference in my day.

• I believe that my vision boards help me actualize my dream life. Or at least is fun and pretty.

I don’t know what happens after we die, I don’t know who listens to prayers, I don’t know if the full moon is actually doing anything to the water I leave under it. I don’t know if the cinnamon I blew through the front door did anything. I don’t know the difference between good luck and “meant to be.” I don’t know if it’s confirmation bias or if seeing 1:11 really is a sign. I don’t know if I’m pulling tarot cards because my deceased grandmother is sending me a message or if my subconscious finds meaning because I want it to.

I don’t need to be right. I’m content with my intentional, pagan spiritual practice, and I don’t ever need to know if I’m right or wrong.

The Journey

Sometimes I used to wish that I had been raised with a religion or set of beliefs so that I wouldn’t have to find my own. But now, I am so grateful that I was raised by two agnostics that didn’t really care what I believed in, or if I believed in anything at all. It means I have a fresh(ish) slate. It means that the world of beliefs and spirituality is truly my oyster. And what an exciting opportunity that is!

When we make the mindset shift of feeling stressed that we don’t know our beliefs and putting pressure on ourselves to find out as soon as possible to feeling excitement about the journey of learning more and expanding our understanding of others, it becomes quite different.

And it is an opportunity! How lucky you are to have the freedom to attend different places of worship, or use the Internet to hear about all the beliefs others have. Many people in many places do not have this freedom or exploration.

Knowing more about others and expanding your own mind and exploration will never be a bad thing. Maybe you spend the next two years researching and pondering and seeking all to end up saying… eh, maybe I don’t believe in God or any higher power at all. It will never be a waste of time to expand your worldview. You can find wisdom for life in anything from a Buddhist temple to a Catholic church to the Satanic Temple.

This isn’t an A to B experience, this is an enriching and expansive journey that might take your whole life. Which is great, because you know what? Person 1 from my Christianity example probably thinks they know everything, and everything they think is exactly right. What’s the point of not being open to other perspectives and connections? The life of someone who is humble and an eternal student is far more enriching and deep than that of someone who is rigid and close-minded.

I’ll close with a final Bell quote. “What if the point of life isn’t about escaping the world, but embracing it? What if we’re not supposed to get out of this world, but are supposed to engage it?”

TLDR… I’m kind of unsure what to do and it’s making me spiral. Any advice?

Just take it day by day. Create a list of the small things you do believe in. Intentionally have an open mind with no end goal. Release perfectionism. Just let yourself be and see where you end up.

If you would like to ask your own question, please use this form to do so!

Until next time,

Sam

Photo by Amer Mughawish on Unsplash