letters to being kind vs nice
reclaiming being a bitch
I was listening to Charli xcx on The Las Cultaristas podcast, and she said her iconic line, “It's like, I think I can be bitchy. I don't know that I'm a bitch.”
We’ve been taught to equate niceness with goodness, but niceness is often just a carefully curated performance that prioritizes being palatable over being authentic. True kindness, on the other hand, requires honesty, boundaries, and the willingness to be disliked. And in a culture that expects women to be agreeable above all else, maybe being a “bitch” is actually the kindest thing we can do.
Once, at a work function where I was volunteering and chatting with people on other teams during a break, a woman walked up to me, a huge smile plastered on her face and said, “It’s nice to see you-”
I was about to say, “It’s nice to see you, too!” but she cut me off and added, “-on duty and working.”
I said, “Oh, I’m sorry, do you need me to do X right now?” I genuinely thought I was on a break and nothing was needed at the moment.
She smiled bigger and said, “Nope,” and walked away, leaving me wondering what her eerily nice warning meant.
What she did was “nice,” (smile, chipper, non-confrontational) but it would have been kind to have been honest with me about what she wanted me to do instead of making me guess.
It also would have been more efficient because I’m still not sure what she needed — so I probably didn’t guess correctly…
You know, like I'm never going to be horrible to someone. Yeah, for the sake of it, because it's actually I personally find it a lot harder to be deliberately emotionally dismissive or mean or whatever, you know what I mean. And don't get me wrong, I'm sure I have my bad days. I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I'll also just like tell it how it is. And I think that gets misconstrued as being mean, but it's actually just I'm just being real because I don't think that it's that interesting to have this sort of like facade.
— Charlie xcx on Las Cultaristas
I know we’ve all met people who use the phrase, “I’m just being honest,” when what they really mean is, “I just want an excuse to say all the unkind thoughts I have about you to you.”
As I am embarking on my journey to know myself better (ugh, I know, so cheesy), values are something I have thought a lot about. I value kindness and care, and I value authenticity, too. The main value I have been trying to center myself on is integrity. Which is kind of the pyramid scheme of values because I would define integrity as adhering to my values…
Anyway.
I don’t think being blunt and brutally “honest” is very kind.
But also, kindness is not niceness.
The line that stuck with me the most in Charlie’s quote above was, “I don't think that it's that interesting to have this sort of, like, facade.”
More often than not, my facade is/has been niceness.
My facade: fawning, apologizing I’m angry, hinting when I have an unmet need, a voice that gets caught in my throat, or comes out squeaky and high-pitched if it can get out. When someone talks poorly about someone else, I struggle with saying anything about it, even when it feels wrong. When someone asks me to do something that my brain is shouting NO!!!! to, I usually give a shaky and weaselly, “mmhmmm, okay,” heart racing, hoping that they magically forget that they’ve asked.
Once, I found myself offering to pull a neighbor’s weeds — when they hadn’t asked or even insinuated that they wanted me to. I did not want to pull their weeds; they were a wealthy couple who were renting their home out on Airbnb. They didn’t need me to pull their weeds for free?! But I had offered as automatically as one takes an inhale after holding their breath for a little too long, gasping and desperate.
I have been slowly chipping away at that facade, trying to take a deep breath and a slow exhalation. Trying to say things like, “I’ll let you know,” instead of “OMG YES OF COURRRSEEE.” Trying to stay silent instead of agreeing when people say things I don’t agree with. Trying not to give a nervous giggle when someone makes a “joke” that offends me. Trying to decline things I know I will dread when it comes time (things that are not special events or important requests). Trying to not let the aching pit in my stomach when I think about how someone doesn’t like me — even if I don’t like them.
Everybody has thoughts of all these different things, everyone's kind of a bitch sometimes and that's okay, it doesn't make you a bad person.
— Charlie xcx on Las Cultaristas
There is a new wave of women embracing their inner bitch (and sometimes, outer) bitch. What used to be the worst thing a woman could be called is now becoming something to proudly call ourselves.
During her rise to fame and popularity, Chappell Roan has been recognized for not only having amazing music, being a queer advocate, but also for being a bitch.
And her fans are eating it up.
In 2024, as she was dressed up a Joan of fucking Arc, a photographer told her to shut the fuck up, and she whired around and said, “You shut the fuck up,” while looking him directly in his eyes, adding, “Not me, bitch.”
In an interview afterward, she told Entertainment Tonight, “I think for someone who gets a lot of anxiety around people yelling at you, the carpet is horrifying, and I yelled back. I yelled back! You don’t get to yell at me like that.”
Earlier in the year, she was open about needing reasonable boundaries with fans, which created a lot of controversy. All she said was that she didn’t feel comfortable with people stalking her or her family, which I think is a pretty reasonable ask. Certainly, if a male celebrity said this, it would be widely accepted.
Around election season, Chappell refused to endorse any presidential candidate. She shared that she was voting for Kamala Harris, saying, “Yeah, I’m voting for fucking Kamala, but I’m not settling for what has been offered, because that’s questionable.” She also added, “I have so many issues with our government in every way. There are so many things that I would want to change. So I don’t feel pressured to endorse someone. There’s problems on both sides… There is no way I can stand behind some of the left’s completely transphobic and completely genocidal views… I think it’s important for me to question authority and question world leaders and question myself, question my algorithm, question if some person that tweeted something about someone else is even true. It’s important to question because that’s how I think we move forward.”
Chappell continues to do what is right for her values and morals, even if and when it causes backlash. And she will continue to do that as long as she is in the public eye.
She will keep proudly being a bitch.
“You can be 32 and decide to change the entire course of your life. You don’t have to get married and have a baby because you think you have to. Just because you’re in your 30s does not mean you’re running out of time. You can choose to do whatever you want.”
Those are the words of the iconic Paige Desorbo from the show Summer House and the podcast Giggly Squad. In an episode of Giggly Squad, she was sharing about her recent breakup with her ex, Craig, and this quote circulated the Internet, so much so that therapists were sharing on their TikToks that their clients kept bringing up the quote in therapy.
Long before Paige’s breakup, women loved her, frequently making compilations of her confessionals and lines on Summer House, with captions praising her for being relatable.
Paige has attributes that one might normally assign as “bitchy:”
She says what is on her mind.
She doesn’t sacrifice what is important to her.
She values her career.
She doesn’t take other people’s BS seriously.
She laughs off people’s insults.
She claps back (see below and half of my “re-posts” on TikTok).\
She knows she’s beautiful.
She doesn’t mind walking away from someone who isn’t treating her well.
She is opinionated.
and:
She doesn’t perform the role of an easy-going, passive, submissive woman.
While she might not be the favorite among the men who are threatened by her, she is definitely a favorite among women. Probably because she gives us inspiration and permission on how we are allowed to show up — who we are allowed to be.
“Best skin care tip for guys?” Brushes hair out of face. “Probably being quiet, I would say.”
"I am the table. I'm the table and 4 chairs. Take a seat, bitch. Sit down."
“If someone doesn’t like you, I think that he has had a lobotomy.”
“I don’t hate you, I just see you.”
— Paige Desorbo
Another lovable bitch is Samantha from Sex and the City. She is the definition of not giving a fuck. She goes after what she wants, she doesn’t do what she doesn’t want to do, and she doesn’t define herself by what other people think of her. Samantha in SATC once tells Carrie that judging others just isn’t her style. And that’s true. Samantha was discerning, protective, and indulgent, but she was never judgmental.
Many have also praised Kim Cattrall herself after her 2019 quote in The Guardian, “I don't want to be in a situation for even an hour where I'm not enjoying myself.” She continued, “I want to choose who I spend time with personally and professionally. It’s my life. I lost my dad seven years ago, to Alzheimer’s, and Mum has just turned 90. I’ve become aware there’s only so much time left.”
Could that be taken as a bitchy thing to say? Maybe. Is it nice? Definitely not.
But it’s kind.
It’s kind to herself, it’s kind to her mother who she is prioritizing, and it’s kind to the requests she is turning down because anyone who doesn’t want to do something won’t be doing their best, anyway. It’s kinder to everyone to just say, “No thank you,” and move on.
“I’d like to be remembered as somebody who was entertaining and honest. I pretend for a living, so it’s nice in the real world to be truthful.”
It isn’t nice, it’s kind.
Now, here’s my controversial take: I think Miranda was the best of all the friends on SATC. Miranda was a bitch who loved hard. If anyone needed anything, Miranda was there for them, no questions asked. And she also had no trouble telling people her honest thoughts and advice, even though no one *cough cough* Carrie *cough cough* ever took her advice.
Miranda wasn’t worried about being liked and she wasn’t worried about what others thought of her. I think integrity was one of her core values, and it showed.
I think the “nicest” women I know are the bitchiest. And I think the ones society might label as “bitches” might be the kindest.
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Karen Filippelli: Hey.
Pam Beesly: Uhm... about the beach.
Karen Filippelli: It's okay, we all say things without thinking.
Pam Beesly: Oh, no, it's not that. I've actually been thinking that for a long time and I'm glad I said it. I just... I'm sorry if it made you feel weird.
Not too long ago, I was sitting at a coffee shop reading when a patron and the barista were talking about a man who appeared to be homeless outside (the patron brought it up, for no understandable reason other than to shit talk under the guise of being concerned).
Someone from behind me perked up. “Well, he’s actually been going to AA the last few days.”
The barista just said, “Oh.”
I looked back at the man who had said that — he looked proud of himself for being so brave to stick up for the man outside. I turned back around and frowned. AA is Alcoholics Anonymous… Anonymous! Was it actually “nice” to say someone is in AA, if you’re breaking the core tenets of the group?
If he had wanted to say something about him, he could have said:
“I know him, and he’s a wonderful person.”
“I am inspired by what I know about him.”
“Just because he doesn’t have a home doesn’t say anything about his character.”
Or, maybe he would have gone up to the counter and ordered the man a hot coffee and bagel.
Instead, in his show of being “nice,” he decided to actually disrespect the man more than he would have if he had just kept his mouth shut. Or stepped away and said hi to the man he supposedly knows.
The woman, a caramel latte now in her hand and a sleeve containing a gluten-free donut in the other, nodded sagely. “There are lots of resources for them, I work at the City,” she said, looking smug. As if to say, it’s their fault that they either don’t use them or don’t feel satisfied. And also to say, look at me, look at how nice I am.
Galinda: “Elphie, now that we're friends, I've decided to make you my new project!”
Elphaba: “You really don't have to do that.”
Galinda: “I know, that's what makes me so nice!”
And of course… How on earth could I talk about niceness vs kindness without talking about Wicked?!
In fact, this is what inspired this essay; Charlie’s interview just wrapped it up in a bow. Galinda is the epitome of nice. She is (mostly) polite and she makes an empty offer to help fix something that isn’t wrong with Elphaba’s green skin — leading to the amazing line, “Offering to help someone that you don't know, with skills that you don't have. I'm sure everyone is duly impressed.”
While I think the duality between Galinda and Elphaba isn’t necessarily to say that one is better than the other (Elphaba benefitted from Galinda’s friendship and politeness, too, and they both helped each other grow), I know that I want to strive to be more like Elphaba.
And there are times, especially in my past, that I am a Galinda.
I can fawn like her, brush things under the rug like her, and stay quiet like her.
But recently, I’ve been a little more like Elphaba.
I create distance from things I am questioning, even if I don’t speak up immediately. I help pick up the pieces of someone’s broken vase. I say no when someone asks me to do something I can’t agree to morally. I don’t sit back in my chair just because I’m supposed to. I don’t sleep in the corner anymore.
Even though my nervous system reacts to stress like a Galinda, I will keep trying to rewire it to respond like an Elphaba.
Which is very, very Brat.
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love, I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost
— Elphaba, Defying Gravity, Wicked
things that are “nice”:
smiling
nodding
a high-pitched voice
being agreeable
politeness
being an empath (I’ve been working on this one for a while)
being passive-aggressive and hinting > direct
not ruffling feathers by staying quiet
enabling others, even though their behaviors hurt themselves or others, to avoid confrontation
ghosting people
sympathy and pity
manipulation with a smile
things that are “kind”:
honesty that is necessary
integrity: standing up for others even when someone will get mad at you or dislike you
the courage to not be liked by everyone
genuine empathy
considering someone else’s feelings or well-being, even when it’s inconvenient
Being “nice” is a performance—a way to be likable, agreeable, and unthreatening. But kindness is real.
It’s about integrity, honesty, and actually giving a shit about people, even when it’s uncomfortable.
And if that makes me a bitch, it’s time for me not to care. As Elphaba said, “And goodness knows the wicked's lives are lonely. Goodness knows the wicked die alone. It just shows when you're wicked, you're left only on your own.”
I think niceness became a commodity whereas before niceness wasn't cool, right, you know, it wasn't like cool to be nice. Yeah, and then suddenly, it really was. It was like, oh well, if you're not nice, like you're dead, you know. But it actually just used to be like really cool to be like cunty and a bitch… Everybody has to be so nice all the time, and that's like cool if you're really, actually just like chill and nice, [but I can see through it usually.]”
— Charlie xcx on Las Cultaristas
So, go be a bitch today.
letters to self-respect
“the dismal fact is that self-respect has nothing to do with the approval of others - who are, after all, deceived easily enough; has nothing to do with reputation… which is something people with courage can do without.” — joan didion, on self-respect
letters to trying to earn love - the podcast
talking about the feeling of needing to earn love and belonging, the felt experience of authenticity (and why it’s so hard), and the guilt of slowing down