letters to creating community and making friends
The art of community in adulthood is hard.
Friendships from adolescence or young adulthood might be growing apart or just in different directions. When we are no longer in spaces like college or other programs, the built in friendship opportunities decrease. Some of us find friends through work, but sometimes we don’t work with people our own age, or we don’t want to messy the professional relationships we have with them. People either have kids, or maybe their friends now have children, so their availability has changed. We don’t have the same amount of time to offer to friendships as we used to, or maybe we don’t have the same time to offer as other friends do.
Whatever the reason, it’s hard.
This post isn’t meant to be an exhaustive resource on how to make friends or grow a community by any means. This should serve as a jumping off point to get you thinking. I have also linked to other books, essays, posts, videos, and podcasts that I think are helpful.
Build friendships for ten minutes a day
You don’t have to be climbing mountains or bonding intensely over a shared hobby to solidify a new friendship. If you put in ten minutes a day, you can maintain existing friendships and build new ones. Send a text, forward a meme, add to the group chat or give someone a quick call. Don’t get caught up on how much effort, energy and time goes into building friendships. Ten minutes a day may be all you need.
Make the most of any quality time
When you do get to properly spend time with a friend or acquaintance, make the most of it. Avoid distractions if possible, keep Instagram for the couch at home, and be present with your new friend.
make the invitation
Something I learned about through Becca Piastrelli and Sarah Wildeman and Mia Birdsong is the art of the invitation.
“We need a vision of community that is relevant and future-facing. A vision that brings us closer to one another, allows us to be vulnerable and imperfect, to grieve and stumble, to be held accountable and loved deeply. We need models of success and leadership that fundamentally value love, care, and generosity of resources and spirit.”
― Mia Birdsong, How We Show Up: Reclaiming Family, Friendship, and Community
It’s awkward to ask someone to coffee or to come over to your house or to go see a movie together. And those first few interactions are weird, no matter how well you get along. It’s not that different from a romantic first date. And first dates are weird!!
Your invitations don’t need to be intimate — if you’re going to a yoga class, invite someone to come with you. If you’re going to grab lunch at work, ask your co-worker if they would like to join you. If you’re hosting something already, invite a couple extra people that you aren’t that close to, but would like to know better. If you notice that you have something in common with someone else, ask if they would like to join you doing an activity involving that thing (seeing a show, a book club, a pottery class). Text that person you would like to spend a little time with and see if they want to go to the farmer’s market with you. If you have a dog, see if your acquaintance wants to go on a dog walk with you.
where to meet people
In the book The Power of Ritual, author Casper Ter Kuile has dedicated research and reflection to the idea that “just because people are leaving church doesn’t mean that they’re less spiritual.” Kuile, along with Angie Thurston, worked on a paper called How We Gather, which examined the way community was being created in secular spaces. The paper showed that secular spaces offered connection to people in similar ways that religion does/did, but they also “filled a spiritual purpose.”
meetup
I know that it can be awkward to go to groups where we don’t know anyone. But, all relationships feel weird when they begin. We want to meet friends “naturally,” but that just doesn’t always happen.
Here are just a few examples of the Meetup groups in my area: Philosophy Collective, 20s and 30s Group (the next meeting is at a coffee shop), Speed Dating, groups who go to local theater shows and have dinner before together, group hiking, Boards & Brews: A meetup for people who like board games and beer! (very explanatory), a group that goes to soccer games together, Queer Women Reading Club, and the list goes on and on.
book clubs
Check out your local bookstores and libraries. They will both likely have all sorts of events!
I took a look at my local library, and here are some events: Chess & Board Game Club, Community Art Studio Night, Mystery Book Group, and Adult Walking Group.
I went to my favorite local bookstore’s website, and they have several local author signings (a good place to mingle) as well as several book club options. In fact, in looking for this essay, I saw there is a horror group that is reading The Lamb by Lucy Rose, which I will definitely be joining!
Look into your local libraries and bookstores — I bet they have more than you ever knew!
How long does it actually take to make friends? It shouldn’t surprise us that closer friendships take longer to build than casual acquaintances. US researchers have tried to quantify this, estimating it takes roughly 50 hours of shared contact to move from acquaintances to casual friends. To be a close friend? More than 200 hours.
What’s more, the hours you spend together need to be quality. While you may well put in the time with work colleagues, professional interactions don’t count for much. To develop a new friendship, you need personal connection. It doesn’t have to be an intimate conversation to strengthen a friendship. Casual check-ins and joking around can be just as important.
church
As you probably have gathered by now, I’m not particularly religious. However, I have started attending the Unitarian Universalist Church in my area. Here is what my local church’s website says:
Unitarian Universalism draws from our heritages of freedom, reason, hope, and courage, building on the foundation of love. We covenant, congregation-to-congregation and through our Association, to support and assist one another in our ministries. Love is the power that holds us together and is at the center of our shared values. The values we share include all the following, which we hold as inseparable and deeply interconnected. Unitarian Universalism draws from our heritages of freedom, reason, hope, and courage, building on the foundation of love. We covenant, congregation-to-congregation and through our Association, to support and assist one another in our ministries. Love is the power that holds us together and is at the center of our shared values. The values we share include all the following, which we hold as inseparable and deeply interconnected.
They offer all sorts of gatherings: Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Atheist, Philosophy, Book Club, Pagan, Social Justice Rapid Response Network, T’ai Chi, Queer Groups, Recovery Ministry, Trans & Nonbinary Support & Advocacy, Young Adult, Band, Choir, Adult Literacy & Citizenship Classes, Food Pantry Volunteering, and more.
How cool is that? I have been thinking of going for over a year, and it took three people inviting me in one month (separately!) for me to decide to give it a try.
coffee shops
Get to know your barista’s name. Leave your headphones off while you’re there. Smile at people as they come in. Say hello to the people you always see there. Make small chit-chat if the person looks up to it. You may not meet a best friend this way, but even a little bit of social interaction at a “third place” does wonders for our health.
In general, just be a little more open when you’re in public. You don’t have to be too much or disrespectful, but say “good morning” to the regulars at your gym that you see every day but don’t talk to. When you’re walking your dog through your neighborhood, give a smile and say “hello” as you pass someone. Go to the register that has a person instead of the self-checkout lane. Tell someone you love their shoes at a restaurant. Ask your waitress how their night is going. Check in on how your co-worker’s kids are doing when you’re taking the elevator together or waiting for everyone else to join the Zoom call.
I hate small talk as much as anyone else does, but it’s important.
I would rather walk with my head down, audiobook playing and not make eye contact, and I would rather avoid the two-minute conversation with my elderly neighbor as we talk about the weather, but these small interactions add up, they really do. We used to live in an environment where everyone knew their post office worker and the person who worked at the gas station and the local librarian and who lived next door. We used to not have the option to go into a store and not have to talk to a single person. Mobile ordering wasn’t an option at Starbucks or Chipotle. Starbucks and Chipotle didn’t exist! Yes, it’s convenient, but convenience is killing us.
bumble bff
I know we have all probably heard horror stories about Bumble BFF, but we have also all heard stories about dating app relationships not working out, and yet we use them anyway. I think we have a strange judgment for people who meet friends using an app… Why?! You may not meet the people who will be your bridesmaids at your wedding, but you might make a cool connection.
just ask
Just like if you are trying to find a romantic partner, you might ask your friends to set you up, ask your friends to set you up with a friend! Maybe your friend is mentioning going to a party or event with a friend of theirs. If it feels appropriate, of course, ask if you can join! Or ask if there are any friends of theirs that you might get along with and if you can all do something together. Some people are very firm that they do not want their social circles overlapping, which is fine, but I am happy if my friends connect! Why would I not want people I love to have more people that they love?
This goes the opposite way, too! If you have two friends that are very similar, connect them. If you’re going out to an event with a group of people, invite a separate friend that you think would have fun and would get along with the rest of the people going. Maybe they’ll hit it off, maybe they won’t, but there’s magic in bringing people together.
hosting
Sometimes, if you desire an intimate gathering to watch The Bachelor with frozen pizza and cheap wine, you have to host it. If you want to have a movie night with face masks and nail polish and giggling and pajamas, you have to host it. If you want to have dinner with your friend, but you both can’t really afford to go out, you have to host it.
being the hosting house has been such a gift. my first few times hosting, i felt uncomfortable with all the people in my house and i would stress about things going the “right way.” i am a classic enneagram two who also tends to be hypervigilant about if other people are okay, and this comes out when i have someone at my house… much less several people! however, I soon began to realize that it wasn’t about throwing the perfect or most aesthetic party. it didn’t mean that my house had to be perfectly clean. it didn’t mean i needed to buy the most high-end food or snacks or drinks. hosting a party isn’t about being perfect, it’s about creating sanctuary.
— letters to hosting a galentine's day party (or any party!)
Hosting people can be weird… The general message of this essay is: creating community is weird; do it anyway. But it is, it’s awkward and there will be silent gaps where everyone seems like they are trying to think of what to say next, or the dessert you were baking didn’t turn out well, or your house isn’t actually as clean as you thought it was, and you can’t stop staring at the pile of dog hair that your vacuum just didn’t get.
There are lots of Substack posts about hosting, and these are some I loved (yes mine is on the list!)
My rule for hosting is: create an environment where people feel at home, or at least safe. That doesn’t mean having a perfectly clean and tidy space, it doesn’t mean having the most beautiful cheese platter, or always refilling their water without them realizing they ran out. To me, this means welcoming people with a smile and an embrace, getting them something to drink and snack on, and also showing them where the forks and wine openers are and saying, “Help yourself!” If someone has only been to my house once or twice, I will be more purposeful in doing everything for them. But after that, I accommodate them, of course, but they also know that they can just go get a glass of water or a cup of tea whenever they would like. All my friends know that when they come over after work for a movie night, they can change into a pair of sweats that I lend them. They know I will most likely feed them, but they also usually bring over sweet treats, and they always put their plate in the sink when they are leaving. Because my home is their home.
There are so many more ways to grow your community and make friendships as an adult. I linked lots of other posts above, so hopefully, you will find lots of inspiration. We are in a time where it should be easier than ever to make connections, but we are lonelier than ever. Be kind to each other.
