letters to supporting your grieving friends

How to actually support your grieving friend.

When I was in the early days of active grief, I had a lot of people asking me what I needed. This is always a well-intentioned question, but the problem with it is that your grieving friend probably doesn’t know what they need.

When someone is in active grief, time has no meaning, emotions are barely regulated, directions are confusing, daily tasks are overwhelming, and everything is just… hard. This is not an exhaustive list, and it may not be applicable to your friend(s). These are just things that helped, or things I wished people did for me.

The first few days:

1. Don’t ask what they need. Just do. Drop off food, Door Dash it to their house, pick up dog food and leave it outside, leave a little sweet treat on their doorstep. Make a little gift basket for them.

2. Don’t be offended if they don’t want to chit-chat. The best bet is to just leave the stuff outside and send them a text that it’s outside.

3. If you do have to ask questions, such as helping with child care, pets, cleaning, etc, offer two options: “I would like to help take care of the kids. Would you prefer me take to them to my house, or would you rather me come over?” “I want to help you walk the dogs. Should I come over in the morning or evening?”

4. If they have a partner, sibling, or roommate, consider texting or calling them. I directed a lot of people to my husband when my mom died. Reach out to this person, if they have one, to coordinate what they need.

5. Create a meal train, or collaborate with others to create one. It’s a cliché for a reason.

6. I loved getting flowers, but that’s probably because I like flowers. (Also, most flowers like this come with a vase, which I really appreciated.) Most people don’t really like receiving flowers, though. Flowers die. It’s alarming when your condolence flowers die. Even though I liked the flowers, this part felt really uncomfortable for me. I had to throw away my dead mom flowers, and I hated it. This doesn’t mean to not do anything. I remember the people who did things for me and checked in, and I’ll never forget that.

7. Don’t say weird stuff. This should probably be obvious, but I learned that it wasn’t. Some weird things include: they’re in a better place, it was meant to be, everything happens for a reason, it’s better this way, they’re always with you.

8. Send texts. Not a lot, but check in. Make sure they know there’s no pressure to reply. A simple text like, “I’m thinking of you today. I love you so much,” goes a long way.

The first week

1. One of the most unfair things is that in the moments where you’re the most raw, especially if you’re the point of contact person, you are also taxed with the most important admin tasks. I had to make important decisions about my mother’s eternal place of rest while I only had two hours of sleep and couldn’t take a shower without needing to sit down to cry. Often, there’s nothing you can really do to help. But you can sit with your friend when they make these decisions. You can be a sounding board. You can do research with them. You can hold their hand when they make calls. Again, don’t make a broad offer like “How can I help?” Say “Can I come over and sit with you while you make phone calls?”

2. Attend the service, if you can. My mother’s service was out of town, so just my husband, mother-in-law, and aunt-in-law came. If it had been under different circumstances, I would have loved for my friends to be there.

3. Don’t take any changes in attitude or personality personally. Grief and loss do weird things to the body and brain. Keep in mind that if you haven’t experienced the loss they are feeling, you don’t know what it’s like. If they seem off or weird or spacey, know it’s just grief brain doing weird things.

The first month

1. Honor their pain. There were so many times that I felt like I had to beg for people to recognize how much I was hurting. Don’t make your grieving friend beg you to be seen. See them without them having to convince you.

2. Keep reaching out. They might say no. They might just not respond. But don’t stop reaching out. Send check-in texts. Invite them to things, while communicating that there’s no pressure.

3. Be mindful of the things you ask of them. Don’t expect or ask for them to do a lot of emotional labor or help you with a lot of tasks.

4. Show up, even after the service. People were really eager to show up the first two weeks. And then… I was alone. Grief is one of the most lonely experiences in the world. My heart broke just as much from loneliness as it did from the loss. Don’t make your grieving friend feel even more alone.

If you have experienced loss, what helped you? Reply to the post and give more ideas!

photo from artmajeur.com

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