letters to trusting my needs
i tried to stop overthinking for a week, here's how it went
Something that I struggle with is staying strong, standing my ground, protecting myself, and setting boundaries, while still staying soft, gentle, easy, forgiving, and flexible.
I have swung on this pendulum before: for most of my life, I was permanently on the people-pleaser, constantly fawning, over-masking side. Then, I started having bouts of swinging to the other side in my early twenties. I would just get fed up with being a doormat, with being teased and made fun of, or feeling taken advantage of.
And the truth is, it’s hard to find a balance, which I have written about over and over again. Especially for women, I think. This is something I reflected on in my Emerson essay, but I think it’s inherently easier for men to not be pushed around, and they aren’t seen as a bitch when they do need to put their foot down.
A small example of this came up in a conversation yesterday. A group of us were talking about how if someone in the family, who I’ll call B, ever puts his foot down or uses a stern tone, everyone knows it’s serious. If B scolds his kids, they know he means it, and the disappointment is so powerful that he doesn’t really have to deliver punishment beyond that. On the contrary, they started saying that if their mom, B’s wife, gets angry or puts her foot down, she’s questioned, and it doesn’t seem like a big deal.
Of course, this isn’t inherently about gender, and I was also a main participant in that conversation, saying that if B was ever disappointed in me, I would rethink my entire life (half joking, lol). I’m not saying this conversation was bad, but it came to mind as I started thinking about the struggle I have with feeling lost about how to stand up for myself. I, like the wife in this example, am either passive and try to be easy going and move, or I get really upset when I feel like I’ve been disrespected for a while. And, almost all the time, my feelings of being upset get shrugged off. Usually, I even end up backing off and even apologizing for being upset in the first place.
This week (Sunday, July 6, as I type this), i pulled two oracle cards from the Seasons of the Witch Litha Oracle deck (illustrated by
): Heather and Sun Tea
Heather, to summarize, has themes of worthiness. Don’t let anyone’s criticisms plant doubt; establish boundaries, and other people’s negativity is just a reflection of their own insecurity. Sun Tea is all about slow magic, calm living, simplicity, less is more, and being intentional, which struck me as magical because I had just published the intentionality essay the day before.
It also struck me that I received this duo because they were opposites, but tied together. Protect yourself with fierceness while being soft and calm. Yesterday, I pulled Horse and Cloud Scrying. Horse = freedom, confidence, strength, and a suggestion that one might be stuck, unsure, caged, or even have a broken spirit. Cloud Scrying = patiently waiting for clarity, being still, observation — an invitation to slow down and just watch instead of making a rushed decision or forcing an answer or guidance.
Don’t let myself be tamed and fun, wild and free, and also be patient and soft. This week, the cards are suggesting that I brush off the criticisms and negativity of others (dare I say… protect my peace??), while also savoring the intentional and beautiful moments.
A lot of my feelings of being distraught come from other people. Not in an “everyone is out to get me,” or “I’m just a poor empath and everyone else is an energy vampire and/or narcissist!!” kind of way, but in a disorganized attachment, I have no trust in myself and put a lot of pressure on myself to be “good” kind of way.
So, I decided to practice this week, in the same style as my intentionality essay last Saturday. I think this is something a lot of us have a hard time with, and maybe it will help someone to see how I stumble my way through this week. Or, it’ll just help me to write it, and it’s my Substack! So there!!
letters to intentional routines
I want to get back into my intentional routines and rituals — aka how I made my life special. My routines have all fallen off, and because of this, it’s increasingly challenging to be intentional and even mindful. It’s so interesting how it all ripples together.
This week’s goals / intentions:
Focus on my own feelings and thoughts, and less about questioning them and turning them around and around like a rock tumbler. This week, I’ll do my best to let my feelings and thoughts be jagged and rough, instead of trying to smooth and polish them. Imagery for my mind: an imperfect rock collection, not a curated gemstone display.
I don’t want this week to turn into a challenge of “how I can be a selfish asshole this week?” And also, I want to practice letting my feelings, needs, and wants guide my decisions. This is a great practice I learned from the book Needy, by Mara Glaztel. For example: I FEEL hungry, I NEED food, I WANT a burrito. A more emotional one: I FEEL angry that X keeps saying Y [hurtful things]. I NEED to set an internal boundary around this person. I WANT to stop sharing Z [vulnerable things] so that X doesn’t have an opening to keep saying Y. (A note on boundaries: boundaries are for you, rules are for others.)
I would like to still show up for my family and community in a caring way (we are still in the midst of a hard family time), and also, I will allow my current state dictate how I do that. There are so many different ways to show up for others — it’s okay to pick the way that aligns with what I can give at the time. Not that I will protect my peace so hard that I just abandon everyone for my own sake, but I will be offering realistically from the cup I have, instead of the cup I wish I had.
Still embrace my practice of last week: finding ways to incorporate small magic and beauty and whimsy and glimmers.
Always ask myself: what would Mary Oliver do?
Finally, I’m going to be practicing the second agreement from Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements: Don’t Take Anything Personally. Yeah, this one is hard for me, because I take almost everything personally.
Some wisdom:
“Nothing other people do is about you. It is because of themselves.”
“Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you.”
“I know that you see the world with different eyes, with your eyes… Your point of view is something personal to you. It is no one’s truth but yours. Then, if you get mad at me, I know you are dealing with yourself. I am the excuse for you to get mad.”
“Don’t take anything personally because by taking things personally you set yourself up to suffer for nothing.”
sunday, july 6
Today, I was annoyed with F (I will be using random initials to keep things anonymous). Usually, I try to mentally determine exactly why I’m annoyed, what it means that I’m annoyed, the story I’m telling myself, etc. I think these are probably good things to do, and also, today, I just gave myself permission to feel annoyed, without rationalizing it, shrinking it, or enlarging it. And it actually felt really good!
I know it’s not revolutionary to feel annoyed when you’re annoyed. But I think for us overthinkers who believe we need to investigate and understand every single fleeting thought and feeling, it’s a helpful practice to just say: “I’m annoyed because this is annoying,” without the need to bring in childhood trauma. Lol.
☆•.¸¸.•✮gratitude / glimmers✮•.¸¸.•☆
a beautiful 75-minute gentle and restorative yoga class
shopping at Costco and Trader Joe’s — and the $1.99 ice cream!
pizza for dinner (thank you, Costco)
monday, july 7
(i forgot to do my feel/need/want…)
Today, similarly to my grand realization that I can be annoyed, I matched someone’s tone back at them. Someone was giving me an attitude, and I was starting to get really frustrated by the way they were speaking to me, and instead of going in the overly sweet, fawning direction, I just matched their exact tone and stopped making my voice higher. (UGH, I HATE that I do this!!!!!!! When I start fawning, my voice instantly goes higher and softer!!) It felt SO radical, and eventually, this person calmed down to match me!? I didn’t have to people please them off a cliff, I just acted like I didn’t like being talked to that way, and then they stopped doing it.
Don’t worry, this won’t become a habit with all people. I’m not entering my villain era. But it is helpful to know that I don’t always have to be “cheerful and stupid” during tension.
☆•.¸¸.•✮gratitude / glimmers✮•.¸¸.•☆
going to the gym — after not going since June 11!
eating delicious tacos for dinner (Costco carnitas for the win!)
a captivating book (Catching Fire)
good music
fresh sheets!!
iced coffee
reading substack with the windows open as it rained with a candle on after a long day
tuesday, july 8
feel:
tired
thoughtful
low energy
a tiny bit grumpy
need:
mental stimulation
rest
water
want:
write
water
close my eyes for 10 min
I ended up editing three chapters of my sapphic contemporary romance manuscript after playing meditation music and lying down for ten minutes, while drinking water, and it was perfect!
☆•.¸¸.•✮gratitude / glimmers✮•.¸¸.•☆
taking a long bath
one of the leaders of a program I run is retiring, and today was his last session, and it was beautiful to see all the sincere comments he received
during said session, everytime I would turn around, my dog Juno would be in a new (but equally adorable) position, looking at me intently
wednesday, july 9
I met up with a coworker today, and I was pre-worried that I would be a fawny anxious mess, since she was a new person. Meeting new people (I know her, but didn’t in that setting), especially in the intimate setting of being across the table at coffee, is an instant cause for me to start fawning. To my surprise, I was completely myself. This may have been because she was also neurodivergent — funnily enough, about ten minutes in, I thought to myself, “Ohhh, K is neurodiverent, isn’t she?” and by the end, she had told me she was. Part of my comfort was definitely because our silly little neurons were mirroring away and bonding over being ADHD liberals who don’t want children, but I wonder if part of it was just because I was being my true self!
I was invited to something this evening, and I don’t want to go. Usually, if I don’t want to do something, I agonize over it. In fact, toward the beginning of this year, I was sick of feeling so much distress over this, that I created a system to help me make decisions. In a previous Substack article of mine, letters to craving solitude and building community, I created a tier system. I don’t know if I would necessarily recommend RANKING people, as this can turn weird and hierarchical real quick, but this exercise helped me create a system (for myself, this isn’t one I share except for with 100 of my closest friends on the Internet, lol) where I knew how to allocate my precious spare time and attention (this is also especially true right now with the family situation, and also especially relevant to chronically ill folks). By the way, I did make this an accessible tool for others if they need it, which you can assess here.
You can’t give your all to every single person you know and meet. You can’t prioritize everyone to the same amount. I’ve been in a few situations in the last few years where I am someone’s primary support system, but they are not mine. This can lead to an imbalance of connection — I’ve recently realized that I cannot be someone’s only good friend, unless they are in my group 1 or 2. I can be their okay friend or nice acquaintance. This is subject to change, but that feels like a good guiding idea for now (again, not rule).
Based on my “rule” for myself, I decided not to go. Even though this system has been helpful for me, it didn’t stop me from ruminating about every decision until I was in a full-on panic attack/ shame spiral. This was honestly the first time that I used the chart and felt content with it. And didn’t question it over and over again.
(i forgot to do my feel/need/want…)
☆•.¸¸.•✮gratitude / glimmers✮•.¸¸.•☆
gym time again — while listening to an interesting book (The Fall of Roe by Elizabeth Dias and Lisa Lerer)
a beautiful morning walk after the gym
having coffee with a coworker that I always thought I would get along with
getting along with said coworker, lol! we ended up chatting for four hours!
finding an adorable little book at the library: An Elderly Lady Must Not Be Crossed — but when I looked it up just now, I am seeing that there is a first book! An Elderly Lady Is Up to No Good. Thankfully, this is available as an eBook on Libby. :)
thursday, july 10
I woke up in a bad mood. The sofa bed dips in the middle, especially with two people, but it’s too hot to be sleeping basically piled on top of someone else, so I fell asleep practically clinging for dear life to the side of the bed. Shockingly enough, sleeping in this position led to me waking up with a stiff neck that hurts if I breathe too deeply. -_-
I’ve just been a grump today. Or maybe, more accurately, I feel pessimistic. And I don’t really like feeling pessimistic… And/or I like it too much?! I grew up with very pessimistic parents, and then in college realized that a great way to bond with people is through shared pessimism, so while I genuinely think that I am a natural optimist by nature, I will slip in and stay in pessimism quite easily.
But… the goal of this week is to allow myself to have feelings without challenging them. I can still be intentional, while also carrying around my pessimism with me today. It’s still a part of me, even if I don’t want it to be. Denying her only makes her stronger.
Today, I will picture Pessimism as a character! I can be amused by her, listen to her, and even take care of and honor her. This is something I found very valuable in my IFS therapy last year — honoring my inner grump was not something we focused on, but honoring “parts” was. Today, there’s a part of me that is pessimistic, but I am not inherently pessimistic. My pessimism part is allowed to show up, just maybe not allowed to “drive the bus,” so to speak. So, I will intend to treat Pessimism as my buddy today.
feel:
tired
grumpy
sore
sad
low energy
pessimistic
need:
to see beauty and kindness
to freshen up my space
to freshen up physically
stretch
indulge my little grump
want:
play music - the playlist soft girl summer made by
. maybe re-read an old essay, because they always make me feel cozy. maybe I will also skip over to pinterest and see if I can find some whimsical animal art… I might also make a summer desktop background. For some reason, I feel like everything can be fixed by making a cute little collage!! (But also… I don’t need to fix my pessimism!!)do the “morning shift” to my office to turn it from being our bedroom back to our office. light a candle, make the bed, open the window for a few minutes, and turn on my lighting
put on perfume and my daily jewelry to make me jingly
do a Yoga with Adriene gentle stretch video.
watch Summer House!! hehehe
I also just realized today is a full moon, so I might visit my guilty pleasure of watching as astrology girly on TikTok talk about how this is the most powerful full moon of all time, just like it was last month and just like it will be next month. I was reading a Substack essay by
, and she wrote that she stopped following ManifestationTok and AstrologyTok for her sanity, and I 100% agree and have mostly done the same… But sometimes, it just itches something in my soul.I still think astrology is so fun and silly, in the way that I think crystals are pretty rocks that might make me feel something, but it’s probably just placebo. I think manifestation is real, but when you try to systemetize it and turn it into a formula you can use it predictably, it can become a problem that keeps you stuck in Destination Happiness — the promise of a perfect one day that will never come.
Life has actually started to feel much better and easier since I stopped obsessing over the process and learned to just trust it.
— 7 Things I Quit To Simplify My Life,
☆•.¸¸.•✮gratitude / glimmers✮•.¸¸.•☆
connecting with my honey
a great iced latte at home
having a nice talk with a friend
friday, july 11
Sooo… I “went with how I felt without question” a little hardcore this week! Because, I scheduled a tattoo appointment on Tuesday and had it today!!
hehehehe :)
feel:
hungry
tired
overwhelmed
headache
unsettled
need:
food
coffee
water
a distraction
to settle in at home
want:
a quesadilla
water!
iced coffeeeee with brown sugar creamerrrr
to watch summer house while I work
make the bed and clean the sheets
☆•.¸¸.•✮gratitude / glimmers✮•.¸¸.•☆
seeing my favorite barista!
making a great playlist.
walking around Barnes and Noble with no time limit :)
connecting with a great tattoo artist! www.instagram.com/altogringo.ttt
I’m writing this reflection on Monday, July 14. Last week’s practice of following my feelings, needs, and wants was so helpful. I got a little reprieve from overthinking. I always believed that my tendency to overthink was what made me intentional, reflective, and emotionally intelligent. I think it shows that I have critical thinking skills, and regulating and understanding my emotions and reactions really matters to me. And, this practice has shown me that when I allow my mental gymnastics to slow down a little, the end result is usually the same anyway. I just don’t feel exhausted.
Simone de Beauvoir wrote, “My contemplation is an excruciation only because it is also a joy.”
This is a line I havê been drawn back to over and over again. Like I wrote about in my essay letters to emerson - on being curious and morally present, I have been devoted to being good and doing the right thing, and honestly, I wish more people were like that! More people need to spend more time wondering if what they are doing is okay! And also, to only live in contemplation cannot be sustainable.
letters to emerson - on being curious and morally present
I have never read Ralph Waldo Emerson’s work before — at least not yet, because I just ordered Nature for $3 on World of Books, which is an addicting new discovery of mine that sells books for cheap cheap cheeaapppp.
I am writing this while feeling so drained. I feel exhausted, overwhelmed, overstimulated (from the hospital), scattered/unorganized, and burnt out. No amount of overthinking will ease those feelings. No amount of intellectualizing and reflection can make those feelings less present — actually, it would probably make it worse. What I need is to create a low-stimulation setup for work, make my to-do tasks as simple as possible, eat something, drink water, and also maybe cry? I want to use my pretty ambience lighting in my office, put on my noise-cancelling headphones, sit with my planner and a candle, and figure out my day, and put on a song and lie face down as I let myself feel everything.
Interestingly enough, I pulled the Sun Tea card from my oracle deck of what my intentions should be this week (week of July 14)… So, I guess I will continue my practice of intentionality!
letters to july
july: the month of the hottest days of the year, family vacations, early morning walks, iced everything, cocktails on the patio, bare feet in the grass, mosquito bites, cool showers instead of warm baths, pool parties with frozen pizza, lemonades with vodka, lip gloss, ice cream, karaoke, pasta salads, chipped butter yellow manicures, hammocks in the breeze, and windows open at night.
Love this! BTW, I still like to get witchy with the moon 😗😝