letters to a "soft life"
a mid-year update
My word of the year is “softness.” And now that 2025 is almost halfway over, I wanted to reflect on my meaning of the word, how I’ve been doing, where I want to change, what things I want to continue, and set some intentions for the rest of the year.
In my post, letters to vibrancy (and a farewell to 2024), I wrote:
“vibrant” saved my life.
and now i’m ready for 2025,
the year of softness.
a year i don’t need saving.
a year where i move a little slower, plan a little less, host a little less often, go to bed a little earlier, and am even more compassionate with myself.
the meaning of softness
I started to include critical thinking in the ways I think about the term “soft life” after I saw Madisyn Brown’s YouTube video essay about it.
She pointed out that an issue with many “soft life” posts is the common theme of “I don’t dream of labor.” Which is not only unrealistic, but a slippery slope into a far-right pipeline of gender roles — after all, women being allowed to work freely, or even just owning a bank account in only our names, is a relatively new thing.
Madisyn mentioned that when she was seeing content about resting, doing nothing, and not working, she started losing motivation. “I needed to be pushed out of my comfort zone,” she said. “That’s the only way you can grow, is if you go beyond what is easy and what is comfortable. And now, we live in a society where it’s like, ‘whatever makes you comfortable.’ In certain situations, of course, it’s important, but I don’t think comfort should be the priority. Stability, yes, but comfort, not always.”
She also made a point about privilege and the barriers that some people, like those who are child-free, have financial abundance, are white, and are cisgender, are able to more easily access the “soft life.” Someone with a high-income job, flexibility, and a more open schedule has the resources to get a massage, take a relaxing bath, get their nails done in whatever donut color Hailey Bieber gets next.
All of this to say: I stand by my desire to live my version of a soft life (not the Internet’s).
what softness is not:
Avoiding discomfort all the time — there are a lot of situations where discomfort should be mitigated, but not for all things. A lot of things that require discomfort, or are inherently uncomfortable, are worthy and even necessary.
Not engaging with things we don’t like. There’s a difference between only seeking pleasure, relaxation, and seeking to find beauty and gratitude in the everyday.
Being rigid and inflexible. I love my routine. For the last five months, I have been pretty on it with my routines — going to the gym in the morning (wait… am I actually… That Girl?!), remembering to take my medication, taking my vitamins, walking the dogs after the gym, eating dinner by 7pm, studying my self-education plan, and being in bed with my alarm clock/brown noise machine beside me and my phone turned off in the kitchen. I’m getting tingles just thinking about it!!!! But… even the most dedicated among us need to be… (cue scary music)… flexible. I have to be okay with staying up late because I’m spending quality time with a family member from out of town, which means I might need to sleep in the next day, which means I might miss the gym, and so on. In my ideal inner world, everyone would be just like me and also want to call it a night at 8:30pm and go home and fall asleep reading in their underwear and earplugs in, but alas… the day where I live surrounded by Sam minions is not today. In my dreams, no one even asks me to do anything when I’m on my period or when I’m kinda sad. No one asks me to go anywhere with fluorescent lighting with loud music. No one makes me go outside in the middle of a hot day. We can all dream that everyone abides by the same schedule and routine as us, but sadly/probably fortunately, this is not the case. Softness means not gripping so tightly and letting yourself go with the flow sometimes. We also don’t need to hold ourselves to an extreme schedule of softness — you don’t need to journal, meditate, go to the gym, get your steps in, drink your green juice,doyoga,pullcards,read,listentoaneducationpodcast,neverscrollTikTok every single day! Take it easy; don’t hustle your way through every day in the name of being soft like the girls on TikTok.
Being preoccupied with the self all the time. It’s not always “enjoyable” to help a friend move, or clean up after someone else’s party, or host a big gathering at your house, or answer a distressed call at midnight. No one looks forward to being in spaces where we are only around people we like who never annoy us or get under our skin. And, these things are necessary for good life. Soft isn’t the same as easy. Softness requires community, shared spaces, interdependence, and care. Sometimes, being alone on the couch and watching the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives with a bag of popcorn in our laps and a glass of iced coffee on the table is needed (hehe…)! But sometimes, it’s driving across town to go to a dinner party, even when it’s inconvenient. Sometimes, it’s using the last of your budget for the week to drop off dinner for someone who needs it.
And ambivalence towards the events of the world and our communities / a blind eye to others’ suffering. Softness is not the absence of suffering, whether it’s our own or others. It might look like us choosing how to consume the news, but it shouldn’t look like us denying it, either. Sitting in a position of ignorance is not the answer. If we want to live a soft life, that should include softness for all beings. It shouldn’t look like contributing to the billions of dollars supporting child or forced labor by ordering from Shein, so that we don’t have to go to the store and spend a chunk of time searching and being disappointed by items until we find the thing we like. It shouldn’t be about being unaware of the people’s lives who are lost every day, so that we can “protect our peace.” It isn’t continuing to support businesses that we know are harming others just because it’s a little easier for us. Bitch, I loved meandering around Target! You don’t think I miss perusing the clearance section or seeing what kind of cutesy hair clips are on display? You think I’m unaware that Starbucks’ PSL is tasty?
Consumerism. On that note… Softness is a dismantling of systems, not a support of gender essentialism and capitalism. Softness doesn’t mean you need to spend money on beige or pink items when you already have them in “non-soft” colors. You don’t need a fancy matcha whisk thing, or those cool clear glass straws (I do like those, though), or a Stanley cup, or matching pajamas every night (again, these are cute), or an expensive face mask, or any of the things influencers try and sell you on TikTok shop!!! You can be in your soft era with your cheap water bottle and normal $10 frother and the reusable straws you already have!!
An aesthetic. You can wear black from head to toe and heavy eyeliner and still live softly. You don’t have to have long blonde hair scooped into a white bow. Softness is not a performance, because living our lives for an imaginary audience (or even worse, a social media audience) is not soft…
Softness is not excitement. It very well may contain moments and experiences of excitement. Most times, it’s the quiet hum of contentment, or the gentle but radical acceptance of the ever-evolving states we find ourselves in. Being soft isn’t a state of euphoria with blush tones and gentle water splashing as we gaze lovingly at the clouds and drink herbal tea.
what softness is:
Slowness in ambition; not a lack of motivation, but moving towards goals with a speed that feels sustainable and gentle. I have a tendency of getting an idea and zooming towards a goal, putting my all into it until I see it achieved. While this is a good quality of mine, in many ways, I burn out quickly. When I was younger, this was more doable, but now that I am in this stage of my life (and no longer have as strong of a trauma drive), I burn out more quickly, and the recovery takes longer and longer. I am trying to rewire my approach to ambition to be more of a walk and less of a sprint.
Nervous system regulation. This seems like a hot topic on social media, and there are so many people selling quick cures and workbooks and online courses about how to regulate your nervous system, when the truth is, “regulating your nervous system” is not something we do once and then suddenly we are regulated. It’s a practice that takes gentleness, consistency, support, constant attunement, reducing stimulation, reflection, relationships, practical self-care (therapy, doctor’s appointments, water, veggies, medications if needed, exercise, etc) joy, and balance. Focusing on regulation, again, does not mean that we avoid all things that make us feel dysregulated (if that was the case, I would never do anything!), but it means noticing when we are outside of our window of tolerance and trying to bring ourselves back to center, while also gradually working to expand the window.
A physical softening. Using tools like breathing, yoga, stretching, somatic tools, warm baths, progressive muscle relaxation, guided meditations, and even just adjusting my posture helps me literally soften the tension I hold in my body (and mind).
And, speaking of balance... Balance is something we have to seek and return to over and over again, not a stagnant place we arrive. Nothing is ever in harmony and balance all of the time — it’s simply not possible. This month, for example, for the first half of was focused on my mental health and self-care, and then for the second part, my efforts and energy were mainly geared towards family. This upcoming month will be more dedicated to events for Pride, so more focused on personal joy and friendship.
Consideration for others. The soft life = self-compassion, peace protection, boundaries, etc etc etc. But part of the soft life means having compassion for others. Part of it means knowing you can hold your peace and not feel defensive of it. It’s yours. It’s not going anywhere. Softness means being kind to others. Softness means releasing your judgments and trying to gossip less (I said less, not never… I’m not a monster). Softness also means not using so much plastic. It means not hoarding resources. It means letting someone go in front of us in line at the store, even though you did get there first. It means helping your elderly neighbor rake her leaves, even though you know she’ll want to talk to you about the same three things over and over again for an hour after. It means not taking just because we can. It means buying your friend’s coffee and not asking them to Venmo you. It means donating clothes instead of selling all of them, or shopping local, even though it is a little more money (when/if you can).
Embracing everyday treasures.
, , and write so prolifically about ways we can bring beauty into our lives. We don’t need a perfect home in the middle of a field or a chic apartment and designer athlesuire sets to give ourselves beauty. A candle purchased for less than $10 + a nice playlist + an open window is just as special as the perfect city skyline or the waves of the ocean. Intentionality is everything.
Self-reflection and contemplation. Overthinking is not very soft, but neither is underthinking... Don’t go into your “villain era,” babe!! Don’t abandon people pleasing to the extent that you shy away from taking accountability and looking at your actions. The soft life means taking time to know yourself. It means knowing your values, morals, thinking about ethics, and the fingerprint your presence leaves on people, places, and things.
Mindfulness. Ugh, I know. Softness looks like pausing before answering or speaking. It means saying nothing, or sometimes speaking an awkward truth. Softness means crying when it’s time to cry, sitting with anger when it comes up, giggling when something is funny. Softness is an intrinsic curiosity. It’s taking time moment by moment, and being intimate with each one. Softness is a pause before speaking, agreeing, offering, criticising.
an update
When I first started writing this essay, I was thinking that I was failing my “soft era” journey. Sitting in more reflection, though, I am realizing that maybe I am succeeding more than I was giving myself credit for. From February - April (AKA most of the year…), I was navigating a challenging situation, one in which someone I cared about was asking me to do something I wasn't comfortable with, and this led to a lot of conflict, which was keeping my nervous system at high alert. Most of my energy was being spent feeling that icky, anxious feeling in my stomach, from the moment I woke up to the last seconds before I fell asleep. I kept thinking, “This doesn’t feel soft.”
However, I think I followed my soft life principles: I breathed into my anxiety, I practiced physically removing my phone from my presence and making it inaccessible for me to anxiously check, I sat with various aspects of the situation and contemplated how it aligned with the values I want to have, and I made a decision that I was ultimately at peace with, that left me feeling more spacious and calm.
This situation aside, I think there are other ways I have been in alignment with this intention of softness. Note: these examples are specific to how softness integrates with my particular lifestyle and goals, not necessarily recommendations.
my softness successes:
Taking my little digital camera with me to gatherings so I can still take photos without taking out my phone.
My monthly scrapbook practice — best completed with a cream soda Ollipop in a wine glass in front of the TV. Or an audiobook. (And then giving people copies of our photos!)
Reducing my screen time by 50% on average since I turned 27 in March. And even better yet: the bliss that has eventually come after the withdrawals ceased.
Returning to my routine with dedication, even when it gets thrown off.
Attempting to find the mythical balance between myself, my interests, my partner, my routines and responsibilities, my family, his family, my friends, my work, and my personal work.
Therapy, even when I don’t waaannnttt to.
Writing more consistently than ever! <3
Always finding time for hobbies like puzzling, painting, photography, and, of course, TV watching!! (I’m literally typing so fast so I can go watch The Secret Lives of Mormon Wiiiiives!!)
Focusing on self-education. It was an early 2025 goal to expand my reading so that I could explore other genres, and I also wanted to start challenging myself to be more informed and knowledgeable. Then, I saw
‘s post about self-education, and I knew that is what I had to do, so I made my own curriculum and have been slowly working through my first “term.”Going to restorative and yin yoga classes often. My friend Hannah taught me about Class Pass, so I am able to go to 4-8 yoga classes a month for $20!!
Staying after my UU church services to chit chat with people for at least thirty minutes.
Writing a minimum of two letters a month (all to someone new each time), and sending cards as often as I remember.
Supporting local as frequently as I can.
GOING TO THE LIBRARY!!! Please use your local library and/or Libby. Even just making an account is so important.
Using my noise-cancelling headphones, dimming the lights, and other considerations to reduce stimulation.
where I still need to grow:
Consumerism. I am not a material girl (my husband always calls himself a material girl and it makes me giggle every time), but yet… I like stuff. I like sweet treats, I like gifting other people things, and I like experiences. Capitalism still has its hold on me, and I would like to focus on the simplicity of things that don’t cost much for the next part of the year.
Attempting to find the mythical balance between myself, my interests, my partner, my routines and responsibilities, my family, his family, my friends, my work, and my personal work. Yes, it’s on both lists.
Taking things personally. I am a bitch who takes everything personally, whenever possible. In fact, there’s nothing I love more than to take behavior that has nothing to do with me and assume that it’s all about me. After all, everyone else’s world revolves around me, right?!?! I will spend weeks analyzing the way a person said something that seemed out of the ordinary, then will ask them about it in a month, and they have no recollection of what I’m even talking about. Sometimes I think I have an amazing intuition, but recently, I’ve decided I just make SO many guesses and assumptions about others, that statistically, half end up being right.
Caring so much about how others perceive me. At family gatherings, there have been times when I have made a joke that doesn’t quite land, and my immediate thought is that I’m a stupid dum-dum, and my husband’s whole family is collectively wondering why he married such a strange and unfunny clown. When I mention the said joke on the way home, he, predictably, doesn’t even know what I’m talking about. “People tell jokes that sometimes people don’t laugh at all the time. It’s not a big deal,” he’ll say. And to that I think, “Yeah, right, I know they all hate me.” When I’m in the store, and I don’t know where something is, I know for a fact everyone is looking at me, feeling pity or even disgust at my audacity for being confused. “Take a look at this chump,” I imagine them all saying to each other. “She doesn’t even know where the hot glue sticks are, who raised her?!” This ridiculous voyeur in my head is active from sunrise to sunset, and it makes me miserable. I don’t know how on earth I am supposed to cut this shame narrator off, but I know I can’t sustain it any longer.
Keeping the peace and shoving down my feelings, and then resenting people for it. Ughhh. I really am an enneagram 2 sometimes. Very not soft.
Overthinking. Aye aye aye. Simone de Beauvoir in The Ethics of Ambiguity wrote, “My contemplation is an excruciation only because it is also a joy.” Oh, Simone, I want to give you a smooch for articulating that so perfectly. My dedication to pondering is part of what makes me an intentional person committed to being better, but also… most of my turmoil exists because I engage with it non-stop in my mind, like a cat doped up on catnip that can’t stop batting its mouse around. There’s a difference between mindful reflection and intentional decision making, and running the same thought over and over and overandoverandoverandoverrrr through my brain (and then, maybe a few more laps, just to be safe). Granted, I have no clue what this difference is, but there definitely is one, from what I’ve been told. I would like to find that this year. Morality and ethics deserve to be questioned and explored, but probably not to the point where I feel like this guy:
Or this guy… who I have never related more with than this year:
There’s probably so much more that I can say about this, and maybe I’ll do a bonus membership podcast about it, but I know I’m already past the limit that Substack recommends (me and the “this post is too long for emails” memo are old friends by now, though, I’m a yapper through and through).
By the way, memberships are only $5 a month, and I’m running a sale for the first 10 people for 50% off a lifetime membership — so only $2.50 a month forever! That’s less than a McDonald’s hot and spicy chicken sandwich!! Which I’m also not going to buy anymore because of ethics!! Take the money you’re saving on chicken sandwiches and give it to me??
Anyways. Loveyou,bye!
